What Kids? Reflections on Working Motherhood in Quarantine
Illustration credit: Efi Chalikopoulou
Working moms have long been conditioned to separate our professional and personal lives. “Kids? What kids? I'm a hard-working professional leader and laser-focused on my career . Wouldn't know a thing about tantrums and baby wipes.” Cut to home life after a long day of work: “Bring those tears over to me. I'm here for you, sweet baby. Not another distraction in the world.”
This — mostly false — illusion of a separation between a mother’s role at work vs. home has been upended by the pandemic. Many of us now work where we live. Complete with visits from our kids on important zoom calls with our team, clients, prospects… while playing teacher, camp counselor and tablet police.
But, despite our conditioning, it turns out… being a Mom (which requires olympic nurturing and leadership skills) has the potential to help us become even stronger in business. Only if we can find effective ways to harness the stress that comes with trying to juggle it all “perfectly”… and accept that there is no such thing. Here’s my own - imperfect - guide for balancing my role as “professional” and “mom”.
1. Create Boundaries
When you’re at work, try and be there. When you are with the kids, try and be there too. The toughest times for me have been when I can’t — or won’t — shut off after work, on weekends or vacation. The kids notice. In my heart I feel guilty for not giving them the respect of my undivided attention. I justify it by saying that answering this one email — or responding to an important call — is necessary for us to pay for our home, food and school. Assuming we can meet our basic needs, all the kids really care about is getting our love and attention. All in. No distractions. This is something I have to work very hard on and it is an ongoing work in progress.
2. Get Help
Who said we were supposed to manage this all ourselves? Especially for dual career families, finding someone to be your right hand, caregiver, mama’s helper is not only acceptable but necessary. I see so many women feel sheepish about having help in raising children. There’s no shame in this game and I cant’t emphasize enough how I would never be able to excel at work and at home without some support. How this support looks varies dramatically by family. For us it is a live-in au pair who has become like another member of our family. Others may have family who is able and willing to step up and help. Find what works for you - and within your budget. Once you find someone, praise the ground they walk on for being such an important part of the team that helps you be a more effective — and hopefully graceful — working mama.
3. Lean On Friends
Women need each other. Period. It is important to remember we don’t need to go it alone. As a Capricorn with a work ethic of an ox, I admit that when I get busy, time with friends (and even family) I love the most tends to get sidelined. This is not ok. During quarantine I started making more time for my friends. It’s amazing how just one hour with a girl friend over a socially-distant tea (or cocktail!) leaves me feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. So whether your spouse is willing to take the kids, or you need to find childcare, do it. Prioritize time with a gal pal and get deep. Don’t just keep it surface level. Share life’s challenges openly and chances are this will give her the confidence to share with you too.
4. Train for the Marathon vs. Sprint
Our kids will only be young once. They will need us in varying degrees throughout their lives. As moms, we are given a spidey sense of when our kids need us. I’ve had to learn that sometimes I may miss the opportunity — i.e. a promotion or new client opportunity that requires a ton of travel — today. But the road is long. If we stay in the game, we can always throttle up and down at various stages of our career. As someone who is very ambitious, but not willing to sacrifice the quality of my relationships with my kids, this brings me comfort.
5. Involve Your Kids
Depending on what your job is, is there a way to include your kids in what you do? Mine are young — 4 and 6 — but, when I can, I love involving them to give them a sense of connection to the why of what I do. Not a P&L or preparing a pitch but are there low-stakes things you work on that you could show them? We handle social media for a client and on occasion I have brought them on a photo shoot to see what we do in action. Another client has a market that we go together to check out and visit with the vendors. They are more happy to see my kids than me! That said, work is work. I’m not suggesting it become a daycare. Chances are, we think our kids are cuter than others do and its important that they don’t overstay their welcome in a professional setting. Refer to #2 above :)
The good news: quarantine has largely stripped away the need for working moms to keep their kids on the down low. I’d argue that the skills required to parent — as long as we manage the stress that comes with the juggle — can enhance our abilities in the workplace. My hope is that the additional stress quarantine has put on working moms does not lead to a deeper “she-cession”, the prevalent departure of moms from the workplace to be the primary caregiver. The line between professional and personal is now blurred and will remain this way for some time. Which, as long as we have effective tools to navigate, may not be such a bad thing. We are mamas, hear us roar. Just hopefully on mute :)